Do you allow yourself to be seduced by fantasies of happily ever after?
Sometimes this can look like rigidly holding on to an idea of what success or getting there or being on track in your life looks like. It can look like seeking or craving your own happily ever after either financially or with a relationship.
It’s something I see a lot with clients.
We think: when we achieve a BIG GOAL we have, we will have arrived.
We will be happy!
And then if and when we do achieve the big goal we can easily think: well we’ve done the work, we’ve learnt the lessons, we’ve cleared everything blocking us and NOW we get our reward.
The heroes journey can be so seductive – we love that sense of achievement and completion.
But it’s just not always the way life goes.
It’s not always the fairy tale ending, even if there’s a moment in time where it looks that way. I think that there can be a kind of spiritual and emotional maturity when you can say:
“I feel great about this:
- Amazing new relationship
- Awesome flow in my business
- Seemingly perfect project
- Big upwards change in my money situation
I’ll totally go with it and even LOVE it, but this doesn’t necessarily mean I have permanently arrived at the zenith of life.”
Life can have a way of bringing us back down to earth when we start loudly and excitedly declaring we have NOW LEARNT ALL THE THINGS.
It’s ok to be happy and celebrate – of course. But vowing and declaring that you have done all the work and now arrived – well only time can really tell.
Enjoy where you’re at – but remember, life is always a flow and no matter how certain and definite and permanent we’d love change and growth to be, the truth is that we’ll always have ups and downs and re-directions and back-flips or unexpected challenges.
This desire for an amazing happy ending can show up in the stories we can sometimes see of new coaches or business owners sharing a meteoric rise from rags to riches.
There is a bit of discussion about this at the moment in relation to coaches sharing that they WERE in dire financial straits not so long ago and now, OMG, they’re killing it!
And now they can teach you to do the same, super fast! Just like a fairy tale, woo!
You pay them to teach you how to teach others to make money is the general, abbreviated gist. So. Magical. But on the other hand, often not sustainable, or potentially even ethical. Just because someone has quickly achieved success, it does not mean this is sustainable or viable in the medium or longer term – this will be revealed in time. And who really wants to learn about how to grow a business from someone who’s never done it, except just now, about five minutes ago?
Rebecca of The Uncaged Life wrote a great blog post on this topic:
It makes my blood boil to see people falling into the glamour of it all – how easy it must be to make a shit ton of of money overnight, because look she did it, and she’s just like me!
My hesitation when I hear of people paying for these “coaches” is that they are buying into a good marketing story, rather than someone will skill, integrity, and know-how.
Because they made their fortune by saying “I’ll help you make a fortune!”, without ever actually doing anything well in their business before helping people make a fortune…
Stay grounded. Be real. Ask good questions. Realise you do have to do the work to create the future you want. Know: if it sounds too good to be true that’s probably because it is.
And of course, the other place the desire for a fairy tale ending shows up is in relationships.
Recently I listened to Lewis Howe’s School of Greatness podcast where he interviewed Katherine Woodward Thomas, the author of Calling in the One – a book written about manifesting LOVE.
Katherine wrote about wanting to attract in a husband by a certain date – and she DID – and wrote a book all about how to do it with the Law of Attraction.
The book is really good! I recommend it. But even when I read it I thought that attaching to a specific end goal (in this case marriage) can be risky and I shared those musings in my blog post about how to attract a great relationship:
The only hesitation I had with this book was the focus on finding a husband. The woman who wrote the book was specifically wanting to call in a husband and get married by a certain time (which did occur).
I am wary of attaching to any external goal as a key to happiness.
Of course the desire for marriage may represent deep life-long commitment or similar, and that is beautiful. My hesitation is around any sense of “worth” being tied up with the “achievement” of such a goal.
Katherine spoke about her new book about Conscious Uncoupling – because, after 10 years, her The One didn’t turn out to be The One, and they divorced.
Was it a complete failure? Of course not! But was it that almost child-like happily ever fantasy? Obviously not, in the end. In the podcast, Katherine said that the relationship lost its life over time; it wasn’t going anywhere, she said.
And that’s the thing. You don’t just arrive at the happily ending, you have to keep on creating it.
If you find yourself being seduced by fairy-tale like stories or your own desire to find your own permanent happy ending – you may wish to examine that.
You may find it comes from an underlying feeling of lack or lowered self-worth that you hope the happy ending is going to quickly and magically patch up. You could ask yourself some questions like these:
- Is this about me looking to be rescued from my situation by a knight in shining armour in the form of a man or get-rich-quick solution? What do I actually want to be saved from? What can I do to improve the situation now, myself?
- If I’m looking to be saved, why? Instead of investing my time, energy and money in hoping to be saved, could I instead work on identifying and addressing the underlying issues so I truly know I can “save” myself?
- How might I be able to achieve my goal with a more sustainable and grounded approach?
- What do I really dislike about my current situation? What steps can I take right now, today, to change the way I feel about it?
- What are 10 positive actions I could take that will move me towards my goals in a practical sense?
- What can I do to upgrade the way I speak to myself, care for myself and show love and respect for myself? (Without spending any money.)
- Can I trust myself? Do I take the actions I say I’m going to take? Can I be disciplined when I want and need to be? Do I trust myself to follow through? Could there be an underlying lack of self-trust that is causing me to seek magical solutions that don’t involve me having to show up for myself consistently?
- What is the truth of the ideal happy ending? ie if I make a lot more money in my business fast, great, but I’ll also need to quickly uplevel my ability to manage that money, the workload I’ve created and expectations of my clients. If I attract in the seemingly perfect relationship, great, but I also need to keep my eyes wide open, and also realise I still need to do some work to continue to evolve the relationship over time
As it happens, I’ve created a package about attracting in a wonderful relationship.
You can take a look at it right here, I’m so excited to offer it. As just one of many issues and goals I’ve helped clients with since 2009, I’ve helped many clients align to attracting wonderful new relationships.
But is this the same? Am I promising that if you Put In The Work, you’ll instantly attract your dream relationship and you’ll get engaged by x and have kids by y and it will all be perfect forever!
And kind of not at all.
But I do get it. Let me give you an example of how this unconscious desire for happily-ever-after showed up for me in recent times.
Earlier in 2015, I read Lisa Messenger’s book, Love and Life. At the time, I was single, and I loved reading about how she’d done all this work on sorting out her relationship patterns and attracted in a perfect-for-her relationship. Amazing! So deserved! Happy endings, I love them!
Around the same time, I started to notice her fiance had disappeared from her instagram feed. She started to post more about challenges and disappointments, in amongst her usual inspiring and positive posts. Uh oh. My heart started to sink. I noticed I felt way more concerned than I should have, considering I have never met Lisa and have no real reason to be so engaged in the success of her relationship. And then, she announced she and her fiance had indeed split. OMG! I was SO disappointed for her! But WHY so disappointed?
I realised that I’d fallen for the promise of the perfect happily ever after.
Or at least, I had unwittingly projected that onto Lisa’s situation. At the time, I really loved the notion that you could have experienced less-than-stellar relationships (like me!) but do a ton of personal growth in that area (like me!) and you’d be rewarded with a fairy tale ending (Lisa had, or so I thought!)
I’d fallen for seeming fairy tales in my own life that didn’t turn out at all like the picture-perfect-promises before, so it was interesting to note I was still holding on to a happily ever after fantasy in some form.
I saw it as a reality check. Something else to release.
A chance to uplevel my own emotional maturity and expectations.
Note: uplevel, NOT down level. Not reducing expectations, increasing them. Of myself. I realised: why on earth would I need to attach to any kind of fantasy when I’m 100% capable of creating my own incredible future (as of course is Lisa, who is naturally doing just that, in a big way!)
Let’s be honest, you only tend to get those kind of rock-solid promises of all your relationship fantasies being fulfilled by a narcissist who’s reading your desires and feeding them back to you. And they tend to deliver the opposite of what’s promised in those early heady days when things are moving so fast. It’s not real. And you’ll only tend to fall for it if you can be seduced by the idea of a happily-ever-after fantasy.
Do the work, because the work is worthy.
But there’s no need to attach to a fairy tale ending; a reward for all your Hard Work.
As a grounded, emotionally mature adult, you don’t need the fantasy. You already know you’re in the process of creating your own happy future with or without someone else, and that’s naturally attractive to other emotionally mature people.
The work I do with my Kinesiology clients who want to attract a new relationship is about deliberately releasing past patterns and consciously raising your vibration, so you’re a better match for what you desire.
That way, you can be in a happy, awesome, attractive energy where you can attract in great opportunities and people who are far more likely to be wonderful for you.
I also think it’s vital you feel confident and resilient enough in yourself that even then, you can easily release something that isn’t playing out as you desired…and move on. Open heart, letting go fast when required.
Because you know how sometimes you get scared because,
“OMG this HAS to be RIGHT.
IS IT right???
And what if it’s NOT right and…….”
We’re not going for that vibe. That’s totally what I’m helping you let go of. That’s fear talking. That’s a lack of trust in yourself and LIFE talking.
We can totally shift that.
In fact, when you’re with someone wonderful, in a great relationship, it’s funny how you really can just trust it will evolve and move forwards – without getting attached to the specifics of what that needs to look like, what’s going to happen next, or how it will all work out In The End. You relax. Get to know the person. Keep asking good questions. Continue to check in with yourself and with them. You have fun with it.
Here’s what I now believe to be true: you create a truly happy ending over many years of working together with someone, it’s not an instantaneous thing that comes with an immediate guarantee that will allay all your anxieties and give you total certainty.
So you might as well learn to enjoy the journey now, wherever you’re at in your life.
When you’re in your flow, you just know that things will work out, without getting too attached to the exact way they have to look or getting hung up on having to arrive at a mythical place of happily ever after.
If you love the idea of approaching your future relationships with this kind of mindset, releasing the past and raising your vibration so it’s a better match for what you truly desire, please do take a look at my relationship package.
It includes a personalised Kinesiology session tailored to releasing your old patterns and aligning you to what you desire, and two online workshops in November where I’ll guide you through some powerful exercises to help you uplevel your relationship vibration, plus a bunch of other cool tools, which I share here.