What are your relationship patterns?
When I work with my Kinesiology clients who’d like to attract a new relationship, part of what we do is uncover previous patterns that have played out in their relationships. Although you may feel your relationships have had different issues or reasons they didn’t work long-term, often there can be some deep underlying patterns.
We will nearly always identify a deeper layer than what you’ve already been able to figure out for yourself. And then of course we work to shift it, we don’t just identify it, though that can be very powerful in itself. In many cases it can become very clear why we’ve attracted people and relationships that aren’t good for us, based on our underlying patterns and associated beliefs.
There are 5 patterns I see very frequently with my Kinesiology clients, though of course in a session, we always go deeper into the specific nuances of your unique patterns.
I want to help you bring some depth and awareness to your patterns yourself.
If you’re currently in a relationship and unhappy, can you relate to any of these patterns? Answer the related questions and see what comes up for you.
If you want to attract a new relationship, read through and identify any patterns that have shown up in previous relationships. Can you relate to one, a few, or all? Has it been consistent across your relationship history? Have some shown up in some relationships but not others? Use the prompts to help you get crystal clear on what you do want moving forwards. You might also note down some of the questions to ask yourself when you’re next in a new relationship.
1. You’re not clear on your true needs.
If you’re not clear on your true needs, you can be overly willing to compromise in order to keep the peace or to please the other person. Compromising is of course essential in any good relationship, but if you find yourself just giving up on things that are actually important to you, that can become dysfunctional.
Get clear on what your true needs are. Things like respect, a feeling of safety in the relationship, integrity, honesty or trust are not things you should find yourself negotiating on.
2. You’re more focused on what the other person thinks than what you think and feel.
At the start, this might look like worrying about things like, “Do they like me? Am I good enough? Do they want to see me again?” and later on, it’s being hyper tuned in to their needs, with little consideration for your own.
Instead try asking yourself questions like, “Is this what I want? How do I feel about this? Is this good for me? How do they make me feel when I’m with them? When I’m not with them how do I feel? Do I like the direction this is going in? Does this person share my values? Do we fundamentally want the same things in our lives?”
3. Your tolerance level is way too high.
Being understanding and compassionate are good things, of course. Sometimes they can be taken too far, however.
If you find yourself beginning to tolerate disrespect, constant criticism of who you are as a person, unreasonable behaviour, addiction or even abuse because, as examples, the person really does “have a good heart”, or “they don’t really mean it”, or “they are really nice sometimes” or “they never used to behave like this,” then you need to be really honest about the message you’re giving yourself about what you deserve and are worthy of.
If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, modify inappropriate behaviours, take on board feedback or respect your opinions and beliefs, that’s a problem that is likely to only get worse over time.
Ask yourself, “What am I putting up with that I know I shouldn’t? What is tolerating this showing me about what I believe I deserve in relationships?”
4. You’re holding on due to a false sense of security.
Sometimes, no matter how poor the relationship has become, it represents a sense of security. The relationship started out with so much promise that it would fulfil your dreams and despite current realities, you’re stuck in the fantasy it might still happen. Maybe you live together, own property together, or have shared finances. They have a good job, or good friends or family, or other things that represent security to you. You hate the idea of being single again. You’re worried you’ll attract someone worse; maybe this is what you have to settle for. You don’t want to face the idea of “another failed relationship” and/or the turmoil that can come with a break up.
Be honest about what the relationship is offering you now, and into the future. Ask yourself: “Is it actually secure? Or is it just representing security? What am I missing out on? If the relationship has become unfulfilling, is it really true that I’d be worse off on my own? How will I feel if I’m in this same position in a year? Five years? What is this relationship showing me about my true sense of self-worth?”
5. You’re not clear on how you want to feel in your relationship.
Clients have sometimes told me they’ve never taken the time to think about what they really want in a relationship. They’ve been more likely to allow the other person to “pick” them, just wait and see who they’re attracted to, or have relationship criteria nearly exclusively focused on external markers (not listening to their heart out of fear or a lack of self-trust).
It might sometimes work out, but if you look back over your own relationship history and see a pattern of ending up with people who were never really right for you anyway, it might be a good idea to spend some time and energy getting clear on what you really do want.
Although it might be tempting to focus on more superficial aspects such as their age, specific appearance attributes, type of job or salary, social standing or interests, consider going deeper. Ask yourself: “What values are really important? How do I feel when with this person? How well can they listen to me? Do I feel loved and cared for? Do I feel relaxed around this person? Can we work together as a team?”
Here’s what I believe to be true.
You can hope for the best and think that your relationship patterns will magically fix themselves (and maybe they will). However, without doing deeper work and reflection, it is more likely that the patterns will continue into your future relationships, in some form. That’s not being negative, it’s the way it often tends to go unless you have internally made some big shifts (which can happen simply because you’ve decided: ENOUGH, but will more frequently occur because you’ve worked at it).
Like anything else, if you feel things haven’t been working out as you like, you have the option to take responsibility for identifying your part in it, and actively and deliberately do the work to upgrade the way you show up in your relationships and what you will and won’t accept, tolerate and expect. That’s the path I tend to personally choose.
It’s not about magic.
It’s about being real and honest with yourself and giving yourself permission to learn a new way and the best possible chance to experience what you deserve and desire. And knowing that you can often go deeper with experienced help.