There is the not taking responsibility issue and then there’s the taking too much responsibility issue.
I see this one a lot too.
With all the best intentions in the world, people will often take on far too much responsibility for other people.
It seems like the Nice Thing To Do. And sometimes, it doesn’t feel like there’s another alternative. “But my Mum/friend/sister/partner really needs my help/is making the wrong decision/needs to change and I can help them!!”
It’s probably true.
However, for each time that you step in and do something for another person that they can do for themselves, or at least tell them how to do it, you are effectively preventing them from learning how to do it for themselves.
The next time it happens? They will have the same resources, skills and abilities that they have now. So they’ll probably need you to help them again. You are helping them to perpetuate a cycle.
You will know that you’re there when you find yourself saying things like: why do they always seem to be making the same mistakes? or Why am I always saying the same things but they don’t listen? Or when you feel frustrated because they don’t change. Or when you find yourself leaving conversations with them and they feel better – but you feel stressed or exhausted.
The truth is, when each of us is tired enough of our own patterns, mistakes and issues, we will find a way to change. The timing for another person is not going to be the same as yours. A part of it is trusting that they can do it themselves. Without you!
And if you really don’t believe this to be the case, you can always suggest they go see a Kinesiologist, Counsellor, Psychologist or someone else – and recognise that whether they choose to or not is their responsibility.
The other issue? If you have a pattern of focusing on helping others, you are probably not focused on yourself and what you’re trying to achieve. And this of course creates its own problems.
It’s a very fine line, as of course we want to support those we love and care about. Finding the balance of supporting others without trying to do it for them can definitely be a tricky one.
This has been a big one for me and I’ve had to learn another level of this since working with clients: my responsibility is to be as clear, focused and effective as I can when working with you … but your healing and changes are your responsibility. Just as my healing and changes are mine!
